My World No Longer Makes Sense.

...and nor will this blog, unless you're...well, Becca. Becca will understand this blog. The thing is, it has to do with Bollywood. I'll try to explain my current predicament in terms that will make sense to the uninitiated.

So, there's this Bollywood actor, Salman Khan.

He only really exists to take ridiculous pictures of his abs and have poor acting skills. I generally stay away from movies with him as the main star, because way waste my time when there're other Khans to be had, am I right? So the only movies I've really seen him in, he's typically the first guy the girl falls in love with, who only serves to make the guy she eventually ends up with look better by comparison(not like Ajay Devgan or Shahrukh need the help, in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam and Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, respectively, but you know).

So anyway, I got "Saawariya" on Netflix, as is my wont, and discovered that Salman had some minor role in it. Okay, fine. Voila, it turns out, as events unfold, that the idiot girl is wildly in love with him, but he had to leave her like a year ago and now she's supposed to wait every night on this bridge until he finally returns and takes her away. Enter main romantic lead--it was some new young guy, whose name I don't know (the shame, I know)-- who was kind of too goofy to be the obviously better choice at first (although heaven knows goofy is how Bollywood likes 'em), but he did all the typical Bollywood "charming" things (lots of singing and dancing, followed by some light stalking) so you know, duh--the girl is obviously supposed forget about lame old Sissyface Salman and go for the charming puppy dog.

I was all set for it to come off as planned--sweet and funny new guy comes in, makes her realize that it's pretty lame to wait on a bridge for Salman Khan for the rest of her life, and everyone gets to be in love and happy. Seriously guys, I thought we had this one in the bag. But then at the VERY last second, when you think she's finally noticed that Salman is about in his mid-40s by now and his abs aren't so great, not to mention the fact that it's looking pretty likely that this bridge thing was just an idiot prank and the dude left her for good--JUST then, he shows up! And instead of being smart like Aish in Hum, and realizing that she was in idiot kid and this dude is really not so great, she just goes up to him on the bridge and is like "Oh, finally this day has come, let me share the hardships of your life!" And then you know, as an afterthought, "Oh yeah, uh, see you later Raj, sorry I've been jerking you around for the past 2 hours, um, I guess this movie didn't really have a point? Haha?"

Guys, I don't know how to live in a world where Salman Khan wins. It's like if in Hum she had just been like, "Okay, well, thanks a bunch Ajay, guess I'll see you around!" Or like if Kajol in KKHH had just said, "Oh, hey, nice to see you again Shahrukh, is it time for a high school reunion already? By the way, I'm marrying this Sissyface next weekend, perhaps you would care to attend? PS, I will definitely not change my mind at the last minute and marry you instead." The natural order of things has been unbalanced! I can no longer trust that plots will follow their most rational, natural courses! Salman Khan has broken out of his slot on the Bollywood romance food chain, and there is no telling what manner of havoc will be wreaked.